Getting in the Mood
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Libido can change for men and women, and getting in the mood can be hard thanks to stress and lifestyle. Learn more about sex and relationships in this video.
Transcript: Ian: This is a question I get from both men and women which is just that, "My libido is changing. My...
Ian: This is a question I get from both men and women which is just that, "My libido is changing. My desire is less than it used to be." I hear it with men. I hear it with women. What's your take on it? Logan: It's a hard thing to talk about because we get all these media messages everywhere we go of all this sex we're supposed to want all the time. When our actual libido doesn't match we start to feel badly about ourselves. You know for women it could be a couple things; a decrease in testosterone, this kind of depletion of hormones, lifestyle, stress. We don't always have sex like we did at the beginning of a relationship -- relationships evolve. Ian: And that is totally true of men. You know, sex changes over the lifecycle. I think for a lot of men it is frustrating, especially for guys like when they hit their 30s or into their early 40s. They are starting to noticed that their erectile quality is changing, their libido is changing and it has a lot to do with your overall health. You know, you need to eat right, you need to diet well, you need to exercise, you need to manage stress, you need to lay off the cigarettes and lay off the alcohol. All of that affects your sexual health. And then I think a lot of it also has to do with being in a relationship and being in a long-term relationship and needing to maintain some spontaneity. Logan: Which we recognize is really hard to do. It can't always be like it was in the beginning. But we also have to make time for our relationships too. And sometimes getting back in the saddle so to speak can rev up the libido in a different way. You can create that. Ian: Just doing it. Logan: Just do it. Ian: And there really truth in the phrase use it or lose it. You gotta use it. Logan: I think so. And also if you're feeling less than amorous, talk to your partner about it. Because if you're not saying that your upset with it, than someone starts to think they're just not interested in me anymore. Ian: Desire is not just a light switch. You don't just turn it on or off in men or in women. For more sex health tips, check out other videos in this series.More »
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Are you second to porn? Porn can be an exciting to get riled up but it could also be a problem in a relationship. Check out this video to find out more about what happens when porn takes over.
Transcript: Ian: This is a question that I get a lot from women and also from guys: Guys telling me, "Hey, I'm masturbating...
Ian: This is a question that I get a lot from women and also from guys: Guys telling me, "Hey, I'm masturbating to porn a lot more than usual. Could this be a problem?" The first thing I want to say is masturbation is healthy and I don't necessarily think that porn is a problem. Guys are extremely visual they respond to visual stimulation. Porn is just part of in some ways having a healthy approach to masturbation. Logan: I'm glad that you say that, Ian. Because I think that both men and women use erotica and pornography in a lot of ways. It does serve a purpose; it turns us on, it can enhance our fantasy life. That being said, you know it does come with some challenges too. Ian: I think the biggest problem is, especially with internet pornography and the easy access and the rapid proliferation of internet porn... Logan: And 24 hour access... Ian: ...And 24 hours. I think a lot of guys use it as a crutch. Some guys use porn to self medicate and deal with anxiety. Sometimes men find it's easier to masturbate than have sex with their partners-- it becomes kind of a form of lazy sex. Logan: So that certainly becomes a problem. Ian: I think if it is detracting from your relationship. I also think that some guys suffer from something that I call "sexual attention deficit disorder." I coined the term, it's not a real medical term. I think that guys with porn get so used to a degree of visual stimulation and a high degree of visual novelty that they sometimes have a hard time focusing on prolonged acts of intimacy. Logan: It's really interesting that you say that. I think we are starting to see kind of the effects of long-term pornography use. But also we have to remember how to use pornography in a safe way, how to involve it in our relationships, how to make it not a supplement or replacement for partners. And also, to recognize that it does not take the place of a real life relationship nor should it teach about how to engage in a relationship with someone else. Ian: And you made a great point which is that one of the nice benefits of porn becoming a little more mainstream is that couples can enjoy it together without the same stigma or taboos. So not and easy question with a simple answer -- can be pleasure, can be a problem. And if you want more videos in this series, just check them out. More information available in this series.More »
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Can’t ejaculate during sex? Delayed ejaculation is a growing problem that can occur for a couple of reasons. Watch this video for more information.
Transcript: Logan: There's some women who have a lot of questions about why it seems like their male partners can't...
Logan: There's some women who have a lot of questions about why it seems like their male partners can't ejaculate or don't ejaculate except for if they're engaged in oral sex or if they're masturbating. Ian: Well, delayed ejaculation really is a growing problem amongst men. And there are actually two reasons for delayed ejaculation. One is millions of men are on antidepressants and drugs and SSRIs that have the sexual side effect of delaying, if not completely inhibiting ejaculation. So that's one problem, if a guy's on a medication like that. Logan: And they're not always talking to their doctors about it. Ian: No, so he's likely to have that problem. The other thing that is interesting is really the rise of Internet pornography. The proliferation and the easy access to internet porn has lead to a phenomenon where a lot of guys are masturbating a lot more than they would normally or over masturbating. What that actually leads to is a clinical condition that's called idiosyncratic masturbatory style. It's a bit of a mouthful, idiosyncratic masturbatory style. But basically what it means is that a guys has gotten himself accustomed to a kind of pressure and friction and rhythm that isn't really approximated with sex with a real person Logan: So vaginal intercourse can't mimic that sensation. Ian: Exactly. Luckily, it's pretty easy to reverse. And I hear this from a lot of guys too, 'Hey, what's the deal why am I having so many problems ejaculating during intercourse?' The first thing I would advise of course if you're on a medication, look into the sexual side effects of that medication. Then also ask yourself, are you masturbating more than usual? If you are, give yourself what I would call a porn break or a masturbation break. The other thing to do is when you're masturbating to masturbate with your non dominate hand. So if you're a righty and you normally masturbate with your right hand, masturbate with your left hand because that will reduce the pressure and friction on the penis. Logan: And mix it up so that you don't have the same sensation all the time so you can start to have pleasure from vaginal intercourse. For more sex tips like these, check out other videos in this seriesMore »
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Are you second to masturbation? While masturbation may be tons of fun for your partner, you may be feeling unfullfilled or insecure. Check out this video for more information about masturbation and its effects on your sex life.
Transcript: Logan: Masturbation is a completely normal and healthy thing, but if you find that your partner is masturbating,...
Logan: Masturbation is a completely normal and healthy thing, but if you find that your partner is masturbating, sometimes you get a little insecure and uncomfortable. 'Is it something wrong with me and am I not satisfying enough?' Ian: Like you said masturbation is normal. It is a very healthy part of life. But I think that if for some reason your partner is over-masturbating or you feel like your sex life isn't where you want it to be, than maybe it can be a problem. Logan: So if it is a replacement for sex with you than it is a problem. Ian: I think than it is a problem. I do want to say that people in healthy relationships masturbate. There have been some studies that have even shown couples with great sex lives do tend to masturbate more than single people. Because their eroticized, their testosterone levels are up, they're feeling good about their self esteem and about their sexuality. Logan: And masturbation is a really important and healthy part of our sex lives that we often forget about -- that we get to know about our own bodies better. The more we know what gives us pleasure the more that we can translate that to someone else. We have friend who has masturbated every morning in the shower since he was 15 years old. His wife knows and it is not really a big deal. It is just part of a routine and it doesn't mean that your sex life is lacking at all. Ian: And I think it is like you said, it's normal, it's healthy, it's relaxing. Sometimes it can be a problem and in another video, stay tuned in this series, we'll talk about when masturbation can be a problem. But know that it is also really healthy. Logan: And really good for a relationship, too. For more sexual health tips, check out more videos in this series.More »
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Erectile Dysfunction, you should be dealing with it in your 20's, right? Well, with today's video game and fast food culture, guys are having trouble getting it up. Our experts Ian Kerner and Logan Levkoff cover the causes and offer a few solutions.
Transcript: Ian: You know it's funny, when we hear about erectile disorder or we see the commercials for Viagra,...
Ian: You know it's funny, when we hear about erectile disorder or we see the commercials for Viagra, we tend to think of older men. But I get a lot of questions from guys in their 20s and early 30s who are suffering from erectile disorder and wonder if they're candidates for Viagra or whatnot. Erectile disorder is definitely something that affects men of all ages. Logan: And women are asking the same questions. They have younger male partners who are certainly not of the stereotypical ED med age and they're wondering is there something wrong with him? Is there something wrong with me? I though guys were supposed to be able get an erection at the drop of a hat? What's going on? Ian: Well, I think one factor is actually it's kind of a tough age, it's a tough era to sometimes be a young guy in. There's a lot of financial uncertainty out there. A lot of guys are unemployed. A lot of guys are worried about their future. And all of that kind of stress and anxiety can really take a toll on erectile quality. If a guy is really anxious and worried about that sort of thing, he might have a problem. Logan: And not to mention all the healthy issues. Smoking, being overweight, drinking too much can all contribute to the problem of erectile dysfunction. Ian: Yeah, I mean the quality of a man's erections, his erectile health, is really a function of his overall health. So if something is going on. If you're a young guy in your 20s or your 30s' it's one thing situationally to sometimes you know suffer from erectile disorder. Logan: Which does happen. The minute you have erectile dysfunction doesn't mean you need to go on meds. Ian: No, and the problem is don't psych yourself out. If it happens, get over it. Sex can be clumsy. Sex can be awkward. Sex has ups and downs -- no puns intended. Logan: And you laugh. There are uncomfortable moments too. Ian: But if you are suffering from ED chronically it could mean that there is a bigger health issue going on and you should absolutely go consult your doctor. Logan: I think that those are really important points. And also to remember that just because we live in a world that we have a million different ads for erectile dysfunction meds it doesn't mean we all have a problem. Ian: No, and a lot of young guys out there sometimes think almost automatically'. Logan: When is it going to happen? Ian: 'Should I take some sort of medication to help with my erection. Anyway, go to your doctor if you're having erectile problems. And if you want more tips like this, check out the other videos in this series.More »
Last Modified: 2013-06-12 | Tags »
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Emotionless sex could possibly be a sign that you're in need of something more in your relationship. Watch this video to find out more about what you can do if you're feeling detached during sex.
Transcript: Logan: I often get questions from women who are saying, 'I'm having sex, I'm sexually active but I'm...
Logan: I often get questions from women who are saying, 'I'm having sex, I'm sexually active but I'm not fulfilled. I'm not really into it. It really isn't doing anything for me emotionally.' Are you hearing this too in your practice? Ian: I do. I wonder if part of it is a function of a hook up culture? I think ultimately in the end, sex can be a very meaningful, intimate act. And if you're hooking up casually, it might be fun, it might even be orgasmic but it might not be emotionally fulfilling. Logan: And psychological issues do come into play here. If you're not really connected to your partner, if you're not really into it, if you're not getting pleasure, if you're just having sex for the sake of having sex, you can kind of tune out. Ian: Yeah, I think that is totally true. I think in the end if you want to have a great sex life, ultimately you need to have the kind of relationship that supports having a great sex life. So if you're disconnected, disengaged, unemotional during sex, I would say that's telling you something about the relationship that you're in and the person that you're having sex with. Logan: And that doesn't mean we need to be in these long-term, monogamous, romantic relationships, but it does mean we have to have the kind of partner that we can talk to enough to talk about the challenges that come up so we can find a way to get past them. Ian: Absolutely. And if you're bored in your sex life, it's possible you're bored in your own life or bored in your relationship. That could be a great signal to introduce some novelty into your relationship. Logan: And that's always a good thing. For more sex tips like these, check out more videos in this series.More »
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Do you or your partner have to deal with premature ejaculation without knowing what to do about it? Check out this video for tips on how to prevent premature ejaculation.
Transcript: Ian: This is an issue that I'm really passionate about. It is a topic that comes up a lot in my practice....
Ian: This is an issue that I'm really passionate about. It is a topic that comes up a lot in my practice. I've actually written a new book all about it called Overcoming Premature Ejaculation. It's an issue that guys deal with and also I think a lot of women wonder about too. Logan: Lots of women wonder about it. Because they wonder how they can prolong sex. How they can encourage their partners to feel better about themselves because it becomes an insecurity and anxiety issue. And also it's a relationship issue because typically if a man is ejaculating prematurely, his female partner isn't necessarily getting all the sexual contact and foreplay that she needs. Ian: Exactly, and you know especially in the media where we're used to hearing a lot about erectile disorders and Viagra. But in fact premature ejaculation is a much bigger problem. By most estimates, 1 out of 3 men have premature ejaculation. Just to be specific and to be clear, men on the whole tend to ejaculate somewhat quickly regardless of what we see in porn. Studies have been done that show that even the average guy can last anywhere' and maintains thrusting during intercourse usually from anywhere from 2 to 5 minutes. Logan: And most women don't want hours of thrusting either. We get chaffed. It's not comfortable. Ian: So I think though that for men with premature ejaculation it is a couple of things. It's one, ejaculating usually within a minute. Many men with premature ejaculation can't even make it to the intercourse part. And forget manual stimulation or oral stimulation. It's really very very constricting and very very hard. Logan: So what does woman in this case do who is concerned about her partner and wants to help this? Ian: I think the best thing that a woman can do, to shortcut to the answer, is really encourage him to engage in other means of clitoral stimulation. Really emphasize oral sex, manual stimulation. There are medications that actually have the side effects of delaying ejaculation. This can be a big problem unless you happen to be a premature ejaculator. Then you might benefit from going to a doctor and talking about getting an off label prescription of a low dosage of one of these SSRIs. For more on this you can go to Good in Bed, like I said I wrote a whole book on this called Overcoming Premature Ejaculation, or go to more videos in this series.More »
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