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You care about your partner, heck, you even love them, but when you're having sex the connection's just not there. You're emotionless. No need to freak out though, our experts Ian Kerner and Logan Levkoff have tips to help find that missing desire.
Transcript: Logan: I often get questions from women who are saying, 'I'm having sex, I'm sexually active but I'm...
Logan: I often get questions from women who are saying, 'I'm having sex, I'm sexually active but I'm not fulfilled. I'm not really into it. It really isn't doing anything for me emotionally.' Are you hearing this too in your practice? Ian: I do. I wonder if part of it is a function of a hook up culture? I think ultimately in the end, sex can be a very meaningful, intimate act. And if you're hooking up casually, it might be fun, it might even be orgasmic but it might not be emotionally fulfilling. Logan: And psychological issues do come into play here. If you're not really connected to your partner, if you're not really into it, if you're not getting pleasure, if you're just having sex for the sake of having sex, you can kind of tune out. Ian: Yeah, I think that is totally true. I think in the end if you want to have a great sex life, ultimately you need to have the kind of relationship that supports having a great sex life. So if you're disconnected, disengaged, unemotional during sex, I would say that's telling you something about the relationship that you're in and the person that you're having sex with. Logan: And that doesn't mean we need to be in these long-term, monogamous, romantic relationships, but it does mean we have to have the kind of partner that we can talk to enough to talk about the challenges that come up so we can find a way to get past them. Ian: Absolutely. And if you're bored in your sex life, it's possible you're bored in your own life or bored in your relationship. That could be a great signal to introduce some novelty into your relationship. Logan: And that's always a good thing. For more sex tips like these, check out more videos in this series.More »
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Can’t ejaculate during sex? Delayed ejaculation is a growing problem that can occur for a couple of reasons. Watch this video for more information.
Transcript: Logan: There's some women who have a lot of questions about why it seems like their male partners can't...
Logan: There's some women who have a lot of questions about why it seems like their male partners can't ejaculate or don't ejaculate except for if they're engaged in oral sex or if they're masturbating. Ian: Well, delayed ejaculation really is a growing problem amongst men. And there are actually two reasons for delayed ejaculation. One is millions of men are on antidepressants and drugs and SSRIs that have the sexual side effect of delaying, if not completely inhibiting ejaculation. So that's one problem, if a guy's on a medication like that. Logan: And they're not always talking to their doctors about it. Ian: No, so he's likely to have that problem. The other thing that is interesting is really the rise of Internet pornography. The proliferation and the easy access to internet porn has lead to a phenomenon where a lot of guys are masturbating a lot more than they would normally or over masturbating. What that actually leads to is a clinical condition that's called idiosyncratic masturbatory style. It's a bit of a mouthful, idiosyncratic masturbatory style. But basically what it means is that a guys has gotten himself accustomed to a kind of pressure and friction and rhythm that isn't really approximated with sex with a real person Logan: So vaginal intercourse can't mimic that sensation. Ian: Exactly. Luckily, it's pretty easy to reverse. And I hear this from a lot of guys too, 'Hey, what's the deal why am I having so many problems ejaculating during intercourse?' The first thing I would advise of course if you're on a medication, look into the sexual side effects of that medication. Then also ask yourself, are you masturbating more than usual? If you are, give yourself what I would call a porn break or a masturbation break. The other thing to do is when you're masturbating to masturbate with your non dominate hand. So if you're a righty and you normally masturbate with your right hand, masturbate with your left hand because that will reduce the pressure and friction on the penis. Logan: And mix it up so that you don't have the same sensation all the time so you can start to have pleasure from vaginal intercourse. For more sex tips like these, check out other videos in this seriesMore »
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Libido can change for men and women, and getting in the mood can be hard thanks to stress and lifestyle. Learn more about sex and relationships in this video.
Transcript: Ian: This is a question I get from both men and women which is just that, "My libido is changing. My...
Ian: This is a question I get from both men and women which is just that, "My libido is changing. My desire is less than it used to be." I hear it with men. I hear it with women. What's your take on it? Logan: It's a hard thing to talk about because we get all these media messages everywhere we go of all this sex we're supposed to want all the time. When our actual libido doesn't match we start to feel badly about ourselves. You know for women it could be a couple things; a decrease in testosterone, this kind of depletion of hormones, lifestyle, stress. We don't always have sex like we did at the beginning of a relationship -- relationships evolve. Ian: And that is totally true of men. You know, sex changes over the lifecycle. I think for a lot of men it is frustrating, especially for guys like when they hit their 30s or into their early 40s. They are starting to noticed that their erectile quality is changing, their libido is changing and it has a lot to do with your overall health. You know, you need to eat right, you need to diet well, you need to exercise, you need to manage stress, you need to lay off the cigarettes and lay off the alcohol. All of that affects your sexual health. And then I think a lot of it also has to do with being in a relationship and being in a long-term relationship and needing to maintain some spontaneity. Logan: Which we recognize is really hard to do. It can't always be like it was in the beginning. But we also have to make time for our relationships too. And sometimes getting back in the saddle so to speak can rev up the libido in a different way. You can create that. Ian: Just doing it. Logan: Just do it. Ian: And there really truth in the phrase use it or lose it. You gotta use it. Logan: I think so. And also if you're feeling less than amorous, talk to your partner about it. Because if you're not saying that your upset with it, than someone starts to think they're just not interested in me anymore. Ian: Desire is not just a light switch. You don't just turn it on or off in men or in women. For more sex health tips, check out other videos in this series.More »
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Do you or your partner have to deal with premature ejaculation without knowing what to do about it? Check out this video for tips on how to prevent premature ejaculation.
Transcript: Ian: This is an issue that I'm really passionate about. It is a topic that comes up a lot in my practice....
Ian: This is an issue that I'm really passionate about. It is a topic that comes up a lot in my practice. I've actually written a new book all about it called Overcoming Premature Ejaculation. It's an issue that guys deal with and also I think a lot of women wonder about too. Logan: Lots of women wonder about it. Because they wonder how they can prolong sex. How they can encourage their partners to feel better about themselves because it becomes an insecurity and anxiety issue. And also it's a relationship issue because typically if a man is ejaculating prematurely, his female partner isn't necessarily getting all the sexual contact and foreplay that she needs. Ian: Exactly, and you know especially in the media where we're used to hearing a lot about erectile disorders and Viagra. But in fact premature ejaculation is a much bigger problem. By most estimates, 1 out of 3 men have premature ejaculation. Just to be specific and to be clear, men on the whole tend to ejaculate somewhat quickly regardless of what we see in porn. Studies have been done that show that even the average guy can last anywhere' and maintains thrusting during intercourse usually from anywhere from 2 to 5 minutes. Logan: And most women don't want hours of thrusting either. We get chaffed. It's not comfortable. Ian: So I think though that for men with premature ejaculation it is a couple of things. It's one, ejaculating usually within a minute. Many men with premature ejaculation can't even make it to the intercourse part. And forget manual stimulation or oral stimulation. It's really very very constricting and very very hard. Logan: So what does woman in this case do who is concerned about her partner and wants to help this? Ian: I think the best thing that a woman can do, to shortcut to the answer, is really encourage him to engage in other means of clitoral stimulation. Really emphasize oral sex, manual stimulation. There are medications that actually have the side effects of delaying ejaculation. This can be a big problem unless you happen to be a premature ejaculator. Then you might benefit from going to a doctor and talking about getting an off label prescription of a low dosage of one of these SSRIs. For more on this you can go to Good in Bed, like I said I wrote a whole book on this called Overcoming Premature Ejaculation, or go to more videos in this series.More »
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Erectile Dysfunction, you should be dealing with it in your 20's, right? Well, with today's video game and fast food culture, guys are having trouble getting it up. Our experts Ian Kerner and Logan Levkoff cover the causes and offer a few solutions.
Transcript: Ian: You know it's funny, when we hear about erectile disorder or we see the commercials for Viagra,...
Ian: You know it's funny, when we hear about erectile disorder or we see the commercials for Viagra, we tend to think of older men. But I get a lot of questions from guys in their 20s and early 30s who are suffering from erectile disorder and wonder if they're candidates for Viagra or whatnot. Erectile disorder is definitely something that affects men of all ages. Logan: And women are asking the same questions. They have younger male partners who are certainly not of the stereotypical ED med age and they're wondering is there something wrong with him? Is there something wrong with me? I though guys were supposed to be able get an erection at the drop of a hat? What's going on? Ian: Well, I think one factor is actually it's kind of a tough age, it's a tough era to sometimes be a young guy in. There's a lot of financial uncertainty out there. A lot of guys are unemployed. A lot of guys are worried about their future. And all of that kind of stress and anxiety can really take a toll on erectile quality. If a guy is really anxious and worried about that sort of thing, he might have a problem. Logan: And not to mention all the healthy issues. Smoking, being overweight, drinking too much can all contribute to the problem of erectile dysfunction. Ian: Yeah, I mean the quality of a man's erections, his erectile health, is really a function of his overall health. So if something is going on. If you're a young guy in your 20s or your 30s' it's one thing situationally to sometimes you know suffer from erectile disorder. Logan: Which does happen. The minute you have erectile dysfunction doesn't mean you need to go on meds. Ian: No, and the problem is don't psych yourself out. If it happens, get over it. Sex can be clumsy. Sex can be awkward. Sex has ups and downs -- no puns intended. Logan: And you laugh. There are uncomfortable moments too. Ian: But if you are suffering from ED chronically it could mean that there is a bigger health issue going on and you should absolutely go consult your doctor. Logan: I think that those are really important points. And also to remember that just because we live in a world that we have a million different ads for erectile dysfunction meds it doesn't mean we all have a problem. Ian: No, and a lot of young guys out there sometimes think almost automatically'. Logan: When is it going to happen? Ian: 'Should I take some sort of medication to help with my erection. Anyway, go to your doctor if you're having erectile problems. And if you want more tips like this, check out the other videos in this series.More »
Last Modified: 2013-06-12 | Tags »
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Are you second to masturbation? While masturbation may be tons of fun for your partner, you may be feeling unfullfilled or insecure. Check out this video for more information about masturbation and its effects on your sex life.
Transcript: Logan: Masturbation is a completely normal and healthy thing, but if you find that your partner is masturbating,...
Logan: Masturbation is a completely normal and healthy thing, but if you find that your partner is masturbating, sometimes you get a little insecure and uncomfortable. 'Is it something wrong with me and am I not satisfying enough?' Ian: Like you said masturbation is normal. It is a very healthy part of life. But I think that if for some reason your partner is over-masturbating or you feel like your sex life isn't where you want it to be, than maybe it can be a problem. Logan: So if it is a replacement for sex with you than it is a problem. Ian: I think than it is a problem. I do want to say that people in healthy relationships masturbate. There have been some studies that have even shown couples with great sex lives do tend to masturbate more than single people. Because their eroticized, their testosterone levels are up, they're feeling good about their self esteem and about their sexuality. Logan: And masturbation is a really important and healthy part of our sex lives that we often forget about -- that we get to know about our own bodies better. The more we know what gives us pleasure the more that we can translate that to someone else. We have friend who has masturbated every morning in the shower since he was 15 years old. His wife knows and it is not really a big deal. It is just part of a routine and it doesn't mean that your sex life is lacking at all. Ian: And I think it is like you said, it's normal, it's healthy, it's relaxing. Sometimes it can be a problem and in another video, stay tuned in this series, we'll talk about when masturbation can be a problem. But know that it is also really healthy. Logan: And really good for a relationship, too. For more sexual health tips, check out more videos in this series.More »
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Foreplay is important and outercourse is the new intercourse. Watch this video for tips on better foreplay.
Transcript: Ian: I get asked this question a lot; how important is foreplay? I especially want to say to the men...
Ian: I get asked this question a lot; how important is foreplay? I especially want to say to the men out there that foreplay is all play. Logan: Without foreplay, you aren't getting any play. Ian: No play, right. Study after study shows that 80% of women do not orgasm from intercourse alone. The clitoris is the powerhouse of the female orgasm. Logan: Which is part of the vulva outside not inside of the vagina. Ian: Right, 90% of the nerve fibers that contribute to the female orgasm are located on the surface of the vulva. So I like to say that many men through no fault of their own are what I call "illclitorate." Many men need to get "clitorate." They need to understand that the clitoris is the powerhouse of the female orgasm and foreplay is coreplay. Logan: Foreplay is also important because women need to turn on head to toe. Sexuality and arousal is holistic. We need to turn on mentally, physically, emotionally. When you just go right for intercourse, we kind of freak out a little bit, we are a little bit uncomfortable. We need to turn on. We need to take time and you need to take time with us. And not just the breast and genitals, all the other erogenous zones; the back of our neck, the back of our knee, our hips, anything else. Ian: All of that touch produces oxytocin, which helps women engage in sex. All that foreplay helps women deactivate mentally which is also important to female orgasm. And let's remember that in the end, and orgasm really consists of two processes physiologically; blood flows to the genitals and tension developing throughout the entire body. The more foreplay the more sexual tension the more sexual tension that gets released, the more powerful the orgasm. Logan: And the better lubrication, better sex. Ian: For more foreplay tips check out other videos in this series or go to goodinbed.comMore »
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Wondering what happens during your first time? These cherry popping myths will share the truth about losing your virginity. Don't believe everything you hear!
Transcript: Logan: A question that I get a lot is, 'What's the first time going to be like?' There are so many myths...
Logan: A question that I get a lot is, 'What's the first time going to be like?' There are so many myths about what it means to lose your virginity. Probably one of the biggest myths is that the hymen has to break in order to tell if someone is a virgin. Here's the thing, the hymen is a thin tissue that partially covers the opening to the vagina. And most women, most girls will tear their hymen long before they've ever had intercourse for the first time. So the answer to that is no, the hymen doesn't have to break or pop. Some women experience bleeding the first time they have sex, the first few times, some do not. Ian: You know what else I think is a big myth? That it is going to be the most fabulous night of your life, a night to remember. Logan: Oh, bad build up. Ian: You know statistics show, a lot of studies show that a lot of people regret their first experience or it didn't go well or it was disappointing. I know for a lot of men, especially a lot of young guys, they end up prematurely ejaculating. Which is a problem that I'll talk about in a later video but is really quite common. And also most women don't orgasm from/during their first experience either. Logan: We have big expectations for the first time and ideally the first time is wonderful, but your right it doesn't mean you're going to have an orgasm. Also, some people, both men and women, think you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex. Well, the truth is you can get pregnant. You can also get a sexually transmitted infection the first time you have sex. If it's unprotected, there's a risk. Ian: I played Moody Blues the first time. Big myth: Moody Blues does not lead to female orgasm. Pick your music well. But it is important to relax and enjoy. Logan: Yes, and destress and communicate. Talk about what you want your first time and hopefully it will be somewhat pleasurable. Ian: And do it with somebody that you care about. You're going to remember it. Logan: Intimacy is a good thing. For more information on good in bed tips, check out goodinbed.com or other videos in this series.More »
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Women sometimes fake orgasms, but men do too. Find out the reasons a man would fake an orgasm by watching this video.
Transcript: Ian: This is a question that is obviously on every man's mind is how to know when a woman is faking it,...
Ian: This is a question that is obviously on every man's mind is how to know when a woman is faking it, or why does a women fake it, and how to deal with faking. Logan: You know why we're faking it? We're concerned about your ego. We don't want you to feel badly about your sexual prowess. And we do ourselves a huge disservice when we fake it because than neither of us actually get the satisfaction that we want. Ian: I think in some cases, a lot of women living in a world of media, growing up in a world of media that kind of focuses on sex tips to pleasure men, a lot of women sort of don't always know how to receive pleasure as well as give pleasure. Logan: And forget about the importance of getting pleasure themselves. Ian: I should also just say to the guys out there that the more you get your sex tips from porn, actually the less likely that a woman is to have an orgasm. Studies have shown that for a woman to really enjoy arousal and experience an orgasm she really has to be able to relax and disconnect. And that means just feeling completely secure in herself and her own body. If you're worried whether or not you have to make like a pornstar' you might fake like a pornstar but your not really going to have an orgasm Logan: And it also means for men checking in with their partner to really say, 'I want you to have pleasure. Please show me, tell me what I can do.' Ian: And it's also like a little bit for the all women out there too' for us guys, if a tree falls and there's nobody there to hear it does it really fall? You have to speak up and tell us. Like a lot of women, especially in my practice will say, 'I've been faking it for years.' And they're so angry. Logan: Oh that does a huge disservice to everyone. Ian: 'and the guy is like, 'I don't understand I thought I was doing great?' Logan: I know, we do have to speak up and we have to talk and we have to be honest or else neither of us is going to get the pleasure we want and deserve. Ian: So viva la vulva. And for more videos in this series check out goodinbed.com or check out more videos and more tips in this series.More »
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In addition to being fun, orgasms also have some health benefits. Learn more about orgasms and your health from this video.
Transcript: Ian: This is something that I end up talking about a lot because there really is a correlation between...
Ian: This is something that I end up talking about a lot because there really is a correlation between one's overall health and your sexual health. It's important to have a healthy sex life and it is important to have orgasms. Orgasms are healthy. Logan: That's the big headline here. Orgasms are good for your health. And people are going to love hearing that. Because it is not just pleasure for the sake of pleasure, right. I mean, being sexually active and having orgasms means that you boost your immunity, you're producing attachment hormones so you're bonded, you're alleviating stress and menstrual cramps -- all these great things. Ian: You're burning calories. You know if you're a little energetic, your burning calories. For men, when you orgasm you're also flushing toxins out of your prostate. So you're actually helping your prostate health. And there have been studies in male sexuality that have shown that men who have orgasms 2 to 3 times per week are less likely to have heart attacks than men who don't. And what that is actually saying is not that orgasms prevent heart attacks but that if you're overall maintaining a healthy lifestyle, you probably have a healthier sex life. You're having more orgasms and hence you are healthier and happier overall. Logan: So pleasure is good for you. Ian: For more tips on pleasure and enjoying your sex life, check out more videos in this series.More »
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Quick, instant and passionate love making can have more benefits than you might think. Watch this video to learn more about quickies and their benefits.
Transcript: Logan: We have sex for all different reasons and sometimes we have quickies. What's the benefit? Ian:...
Logan: We have sex for all different reasons and sometimes we have quickies. What's the benefit? Ian: Well, I think that quickies are great in terms of enhancing intimacy. Especially these days, I mean we are all so limited with our schedules. Logan: Time is limited. Ian: That actually taking the time to have a quickie or at least' I like to think of quickies as not so much experiences that have to have an orgasm because actually a quickie probably may lead to a guy having an orgasm but more than likely' Logan: Chances are she's not getting one. Ian: Right. That said though, there are definite benefits to quickies for women. Again, not so much the intercourse or the orgasm part but for example there was a study that showed that if you hug your partner for 30 seconds, especially in women, it increases oxytocin. And oxytocin is a hormone that helps a woman to feel connected. It is called the cuddle hormone. So just taking 30 seconds. I mean I would consider a 30 second' I mean a 30 second hug is a quickie of a certain type? Logan: I don't know if our viewers will think the same as you. But any kind of touch even if it is a fast and furious sexual experience is still touch. Ian: And it builds up anticipation and it tantalizes you and I think there are so many mental benefits to just constant physical intimacy. Logan: And a great release even if it's, you know, only a couple minutes long. So for more information like this, check out other videos in this series.More »
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When you get used to the same sex position, it could potentially take the spontaneity out of things. Boosting the excitement in the bedroom may just be a matter of having the right moves. Check out this video for tips on how to spice things up.
Transcript: Logan: Sometimes we get used to the same position and it becomes the only position we can orgasm in....
Logan: Sometimes we get used to the same position and it becomes the only position we can orgasm in. Is this normal? And why do some people only climax in one position over another? Ian: I think it's really normal, especially in a long-term relationship to develop what I would call a 'sex script.' There's nothing wrong, especially if you're enjoying the sex, knowing which positions really work for you. And everybody is different. Some women find that really being on top really provides the most clitoral stimulation. Some couples really just love missionary position. We love to say missionary is you know so simple or so boring, but it is a very exciting position in terms of the intimacy and the eye contact. Logan: And vanilla sex is still sex. I might be the missionary position but it's still sex. We read all these magazines that say, '5,000 new sex positions.' If we're not interested in those or if they don't work for us when we're trying to follow them, we start to feel badly that there is something wrong with us or our relationship. But if it works for you it works for you. Ian: I totally agree. I'm definitely of the mind if it's not broken you don't need to fix it. And if it works' It is also a question of finding the positions that work for you as well. Some men really find' just like as women need positions that provide clitoral stimulation. Like there's also the coital alignment technique called CAT. Where it's really about the base of his penis and pelvis really meeting a woman's clitoris. Instead of a lot of thrusting it is more about that persistent connection and kind of a grinding and a rocking. Some men find that they need a position from like let's say behind -- provides a lot more friction. It's really about finding what works for you. Logan: And not feeling badly if it's the only thing that works for you. For more sex tips like these, check out other videos in this series.More »
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Is vibrator addiction a real risk of owning a sex toy? Watch this video to learn what Ian Kerner and Logan Levkoff say on this pleasurable device.
Transcript: Ian: You know, Sex and the City just did so many wonderful things for humanity as we know it. But one...
Ian: You know, Sex and the City just did so many wonderful things for humanity as we know it. But one of the truly great things the show did was to really mainstream the importance of vibrators in a woman's sexuality. But here's the thing, a lot of us guys do secretly wonder can a woman get addicted to her vibrator? Logan: Well, let me make this clear: No. No, a woman cannot get addicted to her vibrator. She can get addicted to the feel-good sensation that she gets from it, but it's not like this chemically dependant kind of addiction. Women and men are built differently and growing up we aren't really told that. We look at sex in terms of like' you know, think of all the images we see of people in movies having sex and everyone is screaming and moaning in orgasm. The fact of the matter is that most women don't experience that. And vibrators aren't sex toys, they're enhancements that are really necessary for a lot of women to have an orgasm. Instead of looking at vibrators as a like a masturbation tool, it should be something that we use and partner in sex too. Ian: Right, exactly. And for a guy a vibrator can really be like a guy's best friend. Like Batman and Robin. Han and Chewy. A guy and his vibe. Logan: And it's not going to be a replacement for your penis. I mean, we're never going to choose an inanimate object over a living, breathing person. Ian: But here's the thing. If a woman is consistently having orgasms with a vibrator and consistently not having orgasms with her partner or inconsistently having orgasms with her partner, it doesn't mean she's addicted to her vibrator. It means she requires a different kind of clitoral stimulation. Logan: Yes, and that's okay. That's not a problem with you or your prowess. It just means women are build differently. And vibrators can do amazing things for the clitoris and for the vulva and all those 8,000 nerve ending that the penis just by nature can't. That is not a bad thing. That just means we need enhancements during sex -- and that's fun. Novelty is fun. Ian: Absolutely. So guys make nice with her vibe. And if you want more tips like this, check out other videos on this site.More »
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