Finding Healthy Pleasure in S&M
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If you're curious about BDSM, from what those letters stand for to how to introduce a little of it into your sex life, our experts can steer you clear of the embarrassing moments and tip you off on the healthiest ways to share your fantasies.
Transcript: Logan: A lot of people are curious about BDSM. What's it all about? And if I'm curious about it or we...
Logan: A lot of people are curious about BDSM. What's it all about? And if I'm curious about it or we practice it is there something wrong with us? Ian: Wait, BDSM is? Logan: Bondage. Domination. Sadomasochism. So four letters mean a lot of different things to a lot of people. But BDSM doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It is really about role-play and interchangeable power dynamics and getting to play roles you don't normally play in your everyday life. Ian: I absolutely agree. It is a lot of fun. You don't have to do a lot. You don't have to go too far. I think just introducing the concept mentally, you know. Especially for guys, I think when it comes to sex guys often feel like they have to be the dominate ones, they have to know everything, they have to be the ones in charge. And there is something really sexy, especially for a guy, about being able to submit a little bit. Logan: And very sexy for a woman who may not always take charge to totally take charge and be the dominate one. Ian: So it is really great to play with these power roles and to play with your imagination. I think it is also important to take things slowly. Logan: Oh, absolutely. This isn't just a pleasure and pain discussion. It is really important that above all else consent is a huge issue with BDSM -- making sure that you and your partner always have consent. That whatever you do and whatever your talking about, that you both agree to. You know people who are really practicing BDSM, they need safe words. You need words that you say that stop any kind of play and make it really clear. Ian: So if I say cumquat, stop it all. Stop everything if I say cumquat. Logan: If that's your safe word. So for now cumquat. And if you want more information or sex tips, check out more videos in this series.More »
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Wondering what happens during your first time? These cherry popping myths will share the truth about losing your virginity. Don't believe everything you hear!
Transcript: Logan: A question that I get a lot is, 'What's the first time going to be like?' There are so many myths...
Logan: A question that I get a lot is, 'What's the first time going to be like?' There are so many myths about what it means to lose your virginity. Probably one of the biggest myths is that the hymen has to break in order to tell if someone is a virgin. Here's the thing, the hymen is a thin tissue that partially covers the opening to the vagina. And most women, most girls will tear their hymen long before they've ever had intercourse for the first time. So the answer to that is no, the hymen doesn't have to break or pop. Some women experience bleeding the first time they have sex, the first few times, some do not. Ian: You know what else I think is a big myth? That it is going to be the most fabulous night of your life, a night to remember. Logan: Oh, bad build up. Ian: You know statistics show, a lot of studies show that a lot of people regret their first experience or it didn't go well or it was disappointing. I know for a lot of men, especially a lot of young guys, they end up prematurely ejaculating. Which is a problem that I'll talk about in a later video but is really quite common. And also most women don't orgasm from/during their first experience either. Logan: We have big expectations for the first time and ideally the first time is wonderful, but your right it doesn't mean you're going to have an orgasm. Also, some people, both men and women, think you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex. Well, the truth is you can get pregnant. You can also get a sexually transmitted infection the first time you have sex. If it's unprotected, there's a risk. Ian: I played Moody Blues the first time. Big myth: Moody Blues does not lead to female orgasm. Pick your music well. But it is important to relax and enjoy. Logan: Yes, and destress and communicate. Talk about what you want your first time and hopefully it will be somewhat pleasurable. Ian: And do it with somebody that you care about. You're going to remember it. Logan: Intimacy is a good thing. For more information on good in bed tips, check out goodinbed.com or other videos in this series.More »
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Quick, instant and passionate love making can have more benefits than you might think. Watch this video to learn more about quickies and their benefits.
Transcript: Logan: We have sex for all different reasons and sometimes we have quickies. What's the benefit? Ian:...
Logan: We have sex for all different reasons and sometimes we have quickies. What's the benefit? Ian: Well, I think that quickies are great in terms of enhancing intimacy. Especially these days, I mean we are all so limited with our schedules. Logan: Time is limited. Ian: That actually taking the time to have a quickie or at least' I like to think of quickies as not so much experiences that have to have an orgasm because actually a quickie probably may lead to a guy having an orgasm but more than likely' Logan: Chances are she's not getting one. Ian: Right. That said though, there are definite benefits to quickies for women. Again, not so much the intercourse or the orgasm part but for example there was a study that showed that if you hug your partner for 30 seconds, especially in women, it increases oxytocin. And oxytocin is a hormone that helps a woman to feel connected. It is called the cuddle hormone. So just taking 30 seconds. I mean I would consider a 30 second' I mean a 30 second hug is a quickie of a certain type? Logan: I don't know if our viewers will think the same as you. But any kind of touch even if it is a fast and furious sexual experience is still touch. Ian: And it builds up anticipation and it tantalizes you and I think there are so many mental benefits to just constant physical intimacy. Logan: And a great release even if it's, you know, only a couple minutes long. So for more information like this, check out other videos in this series.More »
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When you get used to the same sex position, it could potentially take the spontaneity out of things. Boosting the excitement in the bedroom may just be a matter of having the right moves. Check out this video for tips on how to spice things up.
Transcript: Logan: Sometimes we get used to the same position and it becomes the only position we can orgasm in....
Logan: Sometimes we get used to the same position and it becomes the only position we can orgasm in. Is this normal? And why do some people only climax in one position over another? Ian: I think it's really normal, especially in a long-term relationship to develop what I would call a 'sex script.' There's nothing wrong, especially if you're enjoying the sex, knowing which positions really work for you. And everybody is different. Some women find that really being on top really provides the most clitoral stimulation. Some couples really just love missionary position. We love to say missionary is you know so simple or so boring, but it is a very exciting position in terms of the intimacy and the eye contact. Logan: And vanilla sex is still sex. I might be the missionary position but it's still sex. We read all these magazines that say, '5,000 new sex positions.' If we're not interested in those or if they don't work for us when we're trying to follow them, we start to feel badly that there is something wrong with us or our relationship. But if it works for you it works for you. Ian: I totally agree. I'm definitely of the mind if it's not broken you don't need to fix it. And if it works' It is also a question of finding the positions that work for you as well. Some men really find' just like as women need positions that provide clitoral stimulation. Like there's also the coital alignment technique called CAT. Where it's really about the base of his penis and pelvis really meeting a woman's clitoris. Instead of a lot of thrusting it is more about that persistent connection and kind of a grinding and a rocking. Some men find that they need a position from like let's say behind -- provides a lot more friction. It's really about finding what works for you. Logan: And not feeling badly if it's the only thing that works for you. For more sex tips like these, check out other videos in this series.More »
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Is vibrator addiction a real risk of owning a sex toy? Watch this video to learn what Ian Kerner and Logan Levkoff say on this pleasurable device.
Transcript: Ian: You know, Sex and the City just did so many wonderful things for humanity as we know it. But one...
Ian: You know, Sex and the City just did so many wonderful things for humanity as we know it. But one of the truly great things the show did was to really mainstream the importance of vibrators in a woman's sexuality. But here's the thing, a lot of us guys do secretly wonder can a woman get addicted to her vibrator? Logan: Well, let me make this clear: No. No, a woman cannot get addicted to her vibrator. She can get addicted to the feel-good sensation that she gets from it, but it's not like this chemically dependant kind of addiction. Women and men are built differently and growing up we aren't really told that. We look at sex in terms of like' you know, think of all the images we see of people in movies having sex and everyone is screaming and moaning in orgasm. The fact of the matter is that most women don't experience that. And vibrators aren't sex toys, they're enhancements that are really necessary for a lot of women to have an orgasm. Instead of looking at vibrators as a like a masturbation tool, it should be something that we use and partner in sex too. Ian: Right, exactly. And for a guy a vibrator can really be like a guy's best friend. Like Batman and Robin. Han and Chewy. A guy and his vibe. Logan: And it's not going to be a replacement for your penis. I mean, we're never going to choose an inanimate object over a living, breathing person. Ian: But here's the thing. If a woman is consistently having orgasms with a vibrator and consistently not having orgasms with her partner or inconsistently having orgasms with her partner, it doesn't mean she's addicted to her vibrator. It means she requires a different kind of clitoral stimulation. Logan: Yes, and that's okay. That's not a problem with you or your prowess. It just means women are build differently. And vibrators can do amazing things for the clitoris and for the vulva and all those 8,000 nerve ending that the penis just by nature can't. That is not a bad thing. That just means we need enhancements during sex -- and that's fun. Novelty is fun. Ian: Absolutely. So guys make nice with her vibe. And if you want more tips like this, check out other videos on this site.More »
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Open communication, -- think talking about sexual fantasies-- makes kinky sex easy to initiate and have fun with. Get to know more in this video.
Transcript: Ian: Maybe you're wondering, 'How do I get my girlfriend or boyfriend to be a little more kinky in bed?'...
Ian: Maybe you're wondering, 'How do I get my girlfriend or boyfriend to be a little more kinky in bed?' I think it's really natural. You know in the beginning of a relationship you can't keep your hands off each other, you're often falling in love, and your brain chemistry is sort of doing a lot in terms of generating excitement. But after a while you kind of need to keep generating the excitement. So how do you get your partner to kind of go outside their comfort zone a little bit? Logan: Well, novelty is great. Novelty is healthy for a relationship. Even the anticipation of talking about what you may or may not want to try. Open communication: Talking about fantasies, sharing what's on your mind, things you've always wanted to do or even just verbalizing what you've heard other people do. It's exciting. It's all psychological. And that is the best part, you can always switch it up. Ian: I think what's interesting to' I think when people think of doing something kinky or having a kinky fantasy' You know fantasies in their unadulterated form are kind of extreme. But especially in terms of real sex, a little goes a long way. Sometimes talking about your fantasy or figuring out, 'Well, this is like an extreme version of an fantasy, but what's like the shallow end? And how do I dip my toe into the shallow end a little bit?' Logan: There is nothing wrong with wanting to be kinky. This word gets this really bad rap of being kind of dirty and taboo. The fact of the matter is that we all have it in us to have these fantasies that go outside of convention. Not only is that okay, but it's really quite normal. Ian: Its' normal and it keeps things interesting. If you're a little bashful about it you can always tell your partner, 'Hey, I had the sexiest, craziest, kinkiest dream. I don't know what was going on in my unconscious, but let me tell you we were doing some teacher/ student, we were doing whatever'' Logan: ''And maybe we can try it later?' Ian: The point is to start talking about it and take it from there. Logan: And own it. Own the desires. Ian: And if you want to own more of your desires, you can own them by watching more videos in this series.More »
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The idea of a threesome may appeal to a number of people; however, there are some risks involved with this activity. To know more about threesome risks, check out this video.
Transcript: Logan: One of the most popular fantasies that I think we hear people talk about is having a threesome....
Logan: One of the most popular fantasies that I think we hear people talk about is having a threesome. But sometimes the fantasy is a little better than the reality. The reality of a threesome is a little bit more complicated, don't you think? Ian: I do. I mean I think it's a very potent fantasy. Men fantasize about threesomes' Logan: Women do too. Ian: Yeah, and sometimes it is two women in the threesome fantasies. Sometimes it's two men. And it is funny, this is a fantasy that people, especially men, I think become obsessed with making a reality. I also think it is a good example of how sometimes a fantasy should just be a fantasy. It is almost more fun or intriguing as a fantasy than reality. I've heard from a lot of my patients that have gone through with threesomes, A. one person usually feels a little pressured into doing it. Logan: Or left out. Ian: Or left out. Logan: Or totally left out. Ian: Or did not realize that seeing their partner have sex with somebody else was really going to permanently scar them in some way. Logan: Right, and it's not always the women that feel that way, sometimes it's the men that feel that way. The other challenge is obviously with sexual health too. You have to use condoms, definitely. You need to be using protection. Do you talk about getting tested and what the other person's sexual health is? Also, how do you choose that person? Who chooses? What gender gets to pick first? What gender is that going to be? Ian: Well, and sometimes it is a decision that also is really being made under the influence of alcohol. Logan: Which is never ever a good idea. Ian: No, I mean not only is it not good to make decisions when you're drunk or under the influence of alcohol, it could really lead to a choice of partner that might' you know if you're drinking a lot, you're possibly in a circle where there's a higher risk of unsafe sex to begin with. Logan: And again some people can get away with having threesomes and have these amazing experiences, but it is just something that needs to be more thought out than just 'we're going to try it, let's just go for it.' Ian: And guys, if you are going to have a threesome and you're involving your girlfriend or wife in it, remember she's the one that you're going to see tomorrow and tomorrow and the next day. And make sure you treat her like a queen. Logan: Very nice. For more sex tips like these, check out other videos in this series.More »
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What are the health risks of anal sex and how can you protect yourself? Watch this video for more on anal sex safety.
Transcript: Ian: So anal sex is definitely becoming less of a taboo and more couples are engaging in it, but what...
Ian: So anal sex is definitely becoming less of a taboo and more couples are engaging in it, but what are the health risks? Logan: Important to remember that anal sex just like anything else does come with sexual health risks, if unprotected. So you have to be using condoms. There's a risk of sexually transmitted infections. And possibly if someone's not using enough lubricant, anal tearing, which not only is incredibly painful but can also lead to infections later on. We can't forget anal sex can be pleasurable but it must be protected. Ian: And I think it is something you should take slowly. You should begin with manual stimulation of the area. There are also sex toys that can help. And for me I would say the key is lubrication -- lubrication and communication. Logan: Absolutely. Lubrication is essential. And talking to your partner and making sure that at every step he or she is comfortable with what you're doing. Because if they're not, than anal sex is never going to feel good and it is not something that should be part of your sexual repertoire. Ian: No, it could lead to discomfort. It could lead to damage butt. It can also be done safely and in a way that is a lot of fun. Logan: I mean you can also engage in anal sex and stimulate the clitoris at the same time. So there is certainly the potential for pleasure if you keep talking and you're safe. Ian: Yeah, it is definitely true. More couples are definitely doing it, enjoying it. And just do it carefully and always with a lot of communication. And if you want more sex tips, just check out more videos in this series.More »
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Many people get nervous before their first time with a partner. But you don't have to worry, view this video to get some tips on how to impress your first time.
Transcript: Ian: So this is a question I get a lot from men and from women, 'It is my first time, how do I impress...
Ian: So this is a question I get a lot from men and from women, 'It is my first time, how do I impress my partner?' Logan: And it is a huge fear, a huge fear and insecurity. What if my partner doesn't like what I'm doing? The first thing to remember is to manage your expectations. For example, most women don't have orgasms from intercourse alone. So if your expecting that and that doesn't happen then you might feel badly about yourself. And the fact is, know in advance it probably won't happen from sex alone. Ian: On that same note, studies show that for women to actually enjoy sex and experience orgasm, that parts of the female brain that are associated with stress and anxiety need to deactivate. The first time really can sometimes be a stressful experience. Really focusing on the relaxation bit whether that means dimming the lights or spending a lot of time on kissing and foreplay. Because arousal is it's own neuro-chemical cocktail. The more you let that cocktail do its work, the more inhibited you become, the more relaxed, the more aroused you become. Logan: And you want to be well lubricated especially the first time. You want your partner to be well lubricated. The only way to do that really is to spend some time on foreplay. That will make sex much more enjoyable for both of you.Ian: Exactly. Men, you really need to remember the clitoris is the powerhouse of the female orgasm. There are certain sex positions like 'woman on top' where a woman can really control the persistent pressure against the clitoris. I think 'woman on top' is the position that a woman is most likely to have an orgasm in. Logan: Well, yes. I think it is important to just remember any position where you have access to a woman's clitoris--or at least you can spend some time during intercourse stimulating a woman's clitoris--is going to be a good position. Ian: And like we talked in our other video, outercourse and foreplay and just doing everything you can. So check out those other videos. For tips on how to be a great lover and how to be a great partner and how to communicate, you can go to goodinbed.com or check out other videos in this video series.More »
Last Modified: 2013-06-13 | Tags »
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Women sometimes fake orgasms, but men do too. Find out the reasons a man would fake an orgasm by watching this video.
Transcript: Ian: This is a question that is obviously on every man's mind is how to know when a woman is faking it,...
Ian: This is a question that is obviously on every man's mind is how to know when a woman is faking it, or why does a women fake it, and how to deal with faking. Logan: You know why we're faking it? We're concerned about your ego. We don't want you to feel badly about your sexual prowess. And we do ourselves a huge disservice when we fake it because than neither of us actually get the satisfaction that we want. Ian: I think in some cases, a lot of women living in a world of media, growing up in a world of media that kind of focuses on sex tips to pleasure men, a lot of women sort of don't always know how to receive pleasure as well as give pleasure. Logan: And forget about the importance of getting pleasure themselves. Ian: I should also just say to the guys out there that the more you get your sex tips from porn, actually the less likely that a woman is to have an orgasm. Studies have shown that for a woman to really enjoy arousal and experience an orgasm she really has to be able to relax and disconnect. And that means just feeling completely secure in herself and her own body. If you're worried whether or not you have to make like a pornstar' you might fake like a pornstar but your not really going to have an orgasm Logan: And it also means for men checking in with their partner to really say, 'I want you to have pleasure. Please show me, tell me what I can do.' Ian: And it's also like a little bit for the all women out there too' for us guys, if a tree falls and there's nobody there to hear it does it really fall? You have to speak up and tell us. Like a lot of women, especially in my practice will say, 'I've been faking it for years.' And they're so angry. Logan: Oh that does a huge disservice to everyone. Ian: 'and the guy is like, 'I don't understand I thought I was doing great?' Logan: I know, we do have to speak up and we have to talk and we have to be honest or else neither of us is going to get the pleasure we want and deserve. Ian: So viva la vulva. And for more videos in this series check out goodinbed.com or check out more videos and more tips in this series.More »
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Taking forever to orgasm? There are plenty of factors involved in delayed orgasms. Watch this video to learn more about the topic and get tips for a quick orgasm.
Transcript: Logan: You know, Ian, in this world of instant gratification, we want everything and we want it fast....
Logan: You know, Ian, in this world of instant gratification, we want everything and we want it fast. And when it comes to sex and pleasure if just doesn't work that way. So there are plenty of women who are wondering why it takes them so long to reach orgasm? Ian: One of the first things I would say again, as we've said in some other videos, for a woman to enjoy arousal and experience orgasm it does require parts of the brain to deactivate, which means being able to really relax and let go. I think a big part of is also a lack of persistent clitoral stimulation. Often, very often, I think just when a woman is really getting excited and getting really aroused and doesn't want a guy to stop what he's doing, he often will change things up. Logan: At very inopportune moments. And the other thing about women is that we don't always feel comfortable talking about our bodies and we are not as familiar as men are with masturbation. So sometimes it takes us a while because we don't even know what turns us on. And if we don't, I don't know how we expect someone else to get it right. Ian: And women are slower to arouse than men. That might just be an evolutionary function of how we're sort of wired and how our bodies are kind of mechanized. Blood flows very quick into the male genitals and guys get erect very quickly. Most guys will ejaculate within 2 minutes or so of intercourse. Women just require a lot more persistent clitoral stimulation. Logan: Right, so foreplay is so important. Not being stressed about the time it takes to have an orgasm is important. And really just disconnecting and kind of enjoying the journey and not just waiting for the end. Because if we just wait for the orgasm then it can psyche us out all together. Ian: Perfectly said. Logan: For more sexual health tips like these, check out goodinbed.com or other videos on this site.More »
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In addition to being fun, orgasms also have some health benefits. Learn more about orgasms and your health from this video.
Transcript: Ian: This is something that I end up talking about a lot because there really is a correlation between...
Ian: This is something that I end up talking about a lot because there really is a correlation between one's overall health and your sexual health. It's important to have a healthy sex life and it is important to have orgasms. Orgasms are healthy. Logan: That's the big headline here. Orgasms are good for your health. And people are going to love hearing that. Because it is not just pleasure for the sake of pleasure, right. I mean, being sexually active and having orgasms means that you boost your immunity, you're producing attachment hormones so you're bonded, you're alleviating stress and menstrual cramps -- all these great things. Ian: You're burning calories. You know if you're a little energetic, your burning calories. For men, when you orgasm you're also flushing toxins out of your prostate. So you're actually helping your prostate health. And there have been studies in male sexuality that have shown that men who have orgasms 2 to 3 times per week are less likely to have heart attacks than men who don't. And what that is actually saying is not that orgasms prevent heart attacks but that if you're overall maintaining a healthy lifestyle, you probably have a healthier sex life. You're having more orgasms and hence you are healthier and happier overall. Logan: So pleasure is good for you. Ian: For more tips on pleasure and enjoying your sex life, check out more videos in this series.More »
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Libido can change for men and women, and getting in the mood can be hard thanks to stress and lifestyle. Learn more about sex and relationships in this video.
Transcript: Ian: This is a question I get from both men and women which is just that, "My libido is changing. My...
Ian: This is a question I get from both men and women which is just that, "My libido is changing. My desire is less than it used to be." I hear it with men. I hear it with women. What's your take on it? Logan: It's a hard thing to talk about because we get all these media messages everywhere we go of all this sex we're supposed to want all the time. When our actual libido doesn't match we start to feel badly about ourselves. You know for women it could be a couple things; a decrease in testosterone, this kind of depletion of hormones, lifestyle, stress. We don't always have sex like we did at the beginning of a relationship -- relationships evolve. Ian: And that is totally true of men. You know, sex changes over the lifecycle. I think for a lot of men it is frustrating, especially for guys like when they hit their 30s or into their early 40s. They are starting to noticed that their erectile quality is changing, their libido is changing and it has a lot to do with your overall health. You know, you need to eat right, you need to diet well, you need to exercise, you need to manage stress, you need to lay off the cigarettes and lay off the alcohol. All of that affects your sexual health. And then I think a lot of it also has to do with being in a relationship and being in a long-term relationship and needing to maintain some spontaneity. Logan: Which we recognize is really hard to do. It can't always be like it was in the beginning. But we also have to make time for our relationships too. And sometimes getting back in the saddle so to speak can rev up the libido in a different way. You can create that. Ian: Just doing it. Logan: Just do it. Ian: And there really truth in the phrase use it or lose it. You gotta use it. Logan: I think so. And also if you're feeling less than amorous, talk to your partner about it. Because if you're not saying that your upset with it, than someone starts to think they're just not interested in me anymore. Ian: Desire is not just a light switch. You don't just turn it on or off in men or in women. For more sex health tips, check out other videos in this series.More »
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