Why Fake It? (for her)
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The pitch of her moan, the way she bites her lip, something's obviously up. But have you considered why she's faking that orgasm? That is if she is in fact faking it. There are a number reasons, some you would've never expected.
Transcript: Ian: This is a question that is obviously on every man's mind is how to know when a woman is faking it,...
Ian: This is a question that is obviously on every man's mind is how to know when a woman is faking it, or why does a women fake it, and how to deal with faking. Logan: You know why we're faking it? We're concerned about your ego. We don't want you to feel badly about your sexual prowess. And we do ourselves a huge disservice when we fake it because than neither of us actually get the satisfaction that we want. Ian: I think in some cases, a lot of women living in a world of media, growing up in a world of media that kind of focuses on sex tips to pleasure men, a lot of women sort of don't always know how to receive pleasure as well as give pleasure. Logan: And forget about the importance of getting pleasure themselves. Ian: I should also just say to the guys out there that the more you get your sex tips from porn, actually the less likely that a woman is to have an orgasm. Studies have shown that for a woman to really enjoy arousal and experience an orgasm she really has to be able to relax and disconnect. And that means just feeling completely secure in herself and her own body. If you're worried whether or not you have to make like a pornstar' you might fake like a pornstar but your not really going to have an orgasm Logan: And it also means for men checking in with their partner to really say, 'I want you to have pleasure. Please show me, tell me what I can do.' Ian: And it's also like a little bit for the all women out there too' for us guys, if a tree falls and there's nobody there to hear it does it really fall? You have to speak up and tell us. Like a lot of women, especially in my practice will say, 'I've been faking it for years.' And they're so angry. Logan: Oh that does a huge disservice to everyone. Ian: 'and the guy is like, 'I don't understand I thought I was doing great?' Logan: I know, we do have to speak up and we have to talk and we have to be honest or else neither of us is going to get the pleasure we want and deserve. Ian: So viva la vulva. And for more videos in this series check out goodinbed.com or check out more videos and more tips in this series.More »
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Does size matter? The answer varies with what men and women want. Check out this video to have more insight on this topic.
Transcript: Logan: So I know you're probably wondering, does size matter? It is a question that is probably as old...
Logan: So I know you're probably wondering, does size matter? It is a question that is probably as old as time and the answer isn't simple. Ian: As a guy, we really think that size matters. I personally believe that size shouldn't matter. Most guys first of all fall into an average of 4 to 6 inches, really around 5 inches when erect. And that's the average for the vast majority of men. There are guys that can be too small. There's a condition where I think it might up to 10% of men have micropenises Again, that's not the average. Of course, the opposite problem being too big can also be a problem. When you think about it, 90 perfect of the nerve fibers that contribute to the female orgasm are located on the surface of the vulva and respond to stimulation. Logan: Except that being said, there of plenty of women who will tell you, 'Yes, size is an issue.' It might just be a psychological thing that perhaps having a larger penis makes someone a better lover, which isn't necessarily the case. But also women find girth important. Thickness of the penis becomes important. And part of that is the thicker a man's penis is the more likely it is to stimulate nerve ending in the vaginal walls, especially in the front because the further back you get the less nerve endings. Ian: I think that you do make an impression via size often one way or the other. I think again guys often worry too much about it. Usually, the women who complain about a guy's size are very often the women who also aren't having orgasms. I would say all the guys out there who are worried about the size of your penis focus more instead on your ability to understand your partner, to respond to your partner. Logan: And remember that size comes with challenges too. Being too large for your partner can come with certain kind of bruising or vaginal tearing which would be very uncomfortable. I think it is important to be comfortable with who you are. Ian: And if a guy is too big, if he's aware of that, he might say introduce some personal lubricant into it. Or with a woman certainly there are positions. Again, it really does come down to communication. So size in the end, it matters? It doesn't matter? It matters to you? Logan: It's still up for grabs. For more sexual health tips like these check out goodinbed.com or more videos in this series.More »
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Taking forever to orgasm? There are plenty of factors involved in delayed orgasms. Watch this video to learn more about the topic and get tips for a quick orgasm.
Transcript: Logan: You know, Ian, in this world of instant gratification, we want everything and we want it fast....
Logan: You know, Ian, in this world of instant gratification, we want everything and we want it fast. And when it comes to sex and pleasure if just doesn't work that way. So there are plenty of women who are wondering why it takes them so long to reach orgasm? Ian: One of the first things I would say again, as we've said in some other videos, for a woman to enjoy arousal and experience orgasm it does require parts of the brain to deactivate, which means being able to really relax and let go. I think a big part of is also a lack of persistent clitoral stimulation. Often, very often, I think just when a woman is really getting excited and getting really aroused and doesn't want a guy to stop what he's doing, he often will change things up. Logan: At very inopportune moments. And the other thing about women is that we don't always feel comfortable talking about our bodies and we are not as familiar as men are with masturbation. So sometimes it takes us a while because we don't even know what turns us on. And if we don't, I don't know how we expect someone else to get it right. Ian: And women are slower to arouse than men. That might just be an evolutionary function of how we're sort of wired and how our bodies are kind of mechanized. Blood flows very quick into the male genitals and guys get erect very quickly. Most guys will ejaculate within 2 minutes or so of intercourse. Women just require a lot more persistent clitoral stimulation. Logan: Right, so foreplay is so important. Not being stressed about the time it takes to have an orgasm is important. And really just disconnecting and kind of enjoying the journey and not just waiting for the end. Because if we just wait for the orgasm then it can psyche us out all together. Ian: Perfectly said. Logan: For more sexual health tips like these, check out goodinbed.com or other videos on this site.More »
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In addition to being fun, orgasms also have some health benefits. Learn more about orgasms and your health from this video.
Transcript: Ian: This is something that I end up talking about a lot because there really is a correlation between...
Ian: This is something that I end up talking about a lot because there really is a correlation between one's overall health and your sexual health. It's important to have a healthy sex life and it is important to have orgasms. Orgasms are healthy. Logan: That's the big headline here. Orgasms are good for your health. And people are going to love hearing that. Because it is not just pleasure for the sake of pleasure, right. I mean, being sexually active and having orgasms means that you boost your immunity, you're producing attachment hormones so you're bonded, you're alleviating stress and menstrual cramps -- all these great things. Ian: You're burning calories. You know if you're a little energetic, your burning calories. For men, when you orgasm you're also flushing toxins out of your prostate. So you're actually helping your prostate health. And there have been studies in male sexuality that have shown that men who have orgasms 2 to 3 times per week are less likely to have heart attacks than men who don't. And what that is actually saying is not that orgasms prevent heart attacks but that if you're overall maintaining a healthy lifestyle, you probably have a healthier sex life. You're having more orgasms and hence you are healthier and happier overall. Logan: So pleasure is good for you. Ian: For more tips on pleasure and enjoying your sex life, check out more videos in this series.More »
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We don't hear much about male multiple orgasms. Find out if they're possible and how they work in this video.
Transcript: Logan: We hear often about women and multiple orgasms, but we don't hear that much about men. Probably...
Logan: We hear often about women and multiple orgasms, but we don't hear that much about men. Probably because of that refractory period we all hear about. So is it possible, Ian, for men to have multiple orgasms? Ian: It is possible. Well, you hear a lot about male multiple orgasms. One thing I want to say is that women have a genuine physiological capacity to have multiple orgasms. Because after a women has an orgasm, there is more blood that lingers in the genitals and there's still residual sexual tension. As you said earlier, men tend to go very quickly into the refractory period, which is the pre-aroused state. Logan: Which is the roll over phase. Ian: The roll over and start snoring phase or I don't know, go to Hulu and watch something. What I want to say is men can experience multiple orgasms but not quiet in the same way. See men experience...as a guy gets aroused right before he ejaculates, he experiences a point of ejaculatory inevitability. And that means that with or without further stimulation, a guy's going to ejaculate. Logan: It's going to happen Ian: But as a guy and as a woman and as his partner, if you become attuned to those moments right before the moment of ejaculatory inevitability, there are actually a few pleasurable sort of orgasmic contractions. Guys might emit a little bit of seminal fluid also called pre-cum, and that feels good. But you really have to sort of be able to navigate. It's kind of like being able to go right up to the brink and pull back a little bit and go back'. Logan: So you have to really need to know your body and your partner's body. Which takes some time to learn. Ian: And that is different than the female body. Women have a more genuine, more physiological innately capacity for multiple orgasms. But again men can have, it is really about extending pleasure and being aware and in tune with your partners body. Logan: So you hear that; men can have multiple orgasms. For more tips like these, check out good in bed.com or other videos on this site.More »
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Foreplay is important and outercourse is the new intercourse. Watch this video for tips on better foreplay.
Transcript: Ian: I get asked this question a lot; how important is foreplay? I especially want to say to the men...
Ian: I get asked this question a lot; how important is foreplay? I especially want to say to the men out there that foreplay is all play. Logan: Without foreplay, you aren't getting any play. Ian: No play, right. Study after study shows that 80% of women do not orgasm from intercourse alone. The clitoris is the powerhouse of the female orgasm. Logan: Which is part of the vulva outside not inside of the vagina. Ian: Right, 90% of the nerve fibers that contribute to the female orgasm are located on the surface of the vulva. So I like to say that many men through no fault of their own are what I call "illclitorate." Many men need to get "clitorate." They need to understand that the clitoris is the powerhouse of the female orgasm and foreplay is coreplay. Logan: Foreplay is also important because women need to turn on head to toe. Sexuality and arousal is holistic. We need to turn on mentally, physically, emotionally. When you just go right for intercourse, we kind of freak out a little bit, we are a little bit uncomfortable. We need to turn on. We need to take time and you need to take time with us. And not just the breast and genitals, all the other erogenous zones; the back of our neck, the back of our knee, our hips, anything else. Ian: All of that touch produces oxytocin, which helps women engage in sex. All that foreplay helps women deactivate mentally which is also important to female orgasm. And let's remember that in the end, and orgasm really consists of two processes physiologically; blood flows to the genitals and tension developing throughout the entire body. The more foreplay the more sexual tension the more sexual tension that gets released, the more powerful the orgasm. Logan: And the better lubrication, better sex. Ian: For more foreplay tips check out other videos in this series or go to goodinbed.comMore »
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Is it possible for a man to fake an orgasm? Watch this video to learn why a man may want to fake ejaculation, and how he gets away with it!
Transcript: Logan: There are a lot of women who are out there and wondering is it possible for a guy to fake it?...
Logan: There are a lot of women who are out there and wondering is it possible for a guy to fake it? And what does it mean if your guy is faking an orgasm? Ian: Well, it is absolutely possible for men to fake it. Logan: Which a lot of women are going to be surprised by. Ian: I know, and a lot of women refuse to believe that. They think that they are the only ones that can fake it and get away with it. Let me first say that men who fake that is actually on the rise. It's really a product of a situation that's called delayed ejaculation. A lot of men these days are on medications, especially SSRIs and antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs that have the side effect of delaying or inhibiting ejaculation. I want to say that a lot of men who are suffering from sexual side effects and don't want to bruise the ego of their partners or don't want to hurt their partner's feeling will end up faking it. And honestly, if you're using a condom, first of all which a lot of people are using' Logan: 'and should be using. Ian: 'than it's no problem. A guy will just do the same thing a woman does; groan a lot, thrash a lot, and fake it. But also I do have to say, that even a lot of women will say, 'Well, I will know because we don't use condoms.' But the seminal output, the seminal fluid varies from guy to guy and from situation to situation. So it's absolutely possible for a guy to fake it. Logan: And if we're good, caring partners who believe in mutual pleasure than hopefully we're talking to and we're saying, 'If this isn't satisfying to you, let us know because we want you to feel pleasure too'. So we women have a role in this as well. Ian: Absolutely, and very often it is not a function of the person that a guy is with. It is not a function of his partner, it really is usually is a side effect related to medication or some deeper level of stress or anxiety. Logan: Or the pressure we put on being a great lover or having great sex. And that can be as anxiety producing for a man as it is for a woman. For more tips like these, check out more videos at this site.More »
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Libido can change for men and women, and getting in the mood can be hard thanks to stress and lifestyle. Learn more about sex and relationships in this video.
Transcript: Ian: This is a question I get from both men and women which is just that, "My libido is changing. My...
Ian: This is a question I get from both men and women which is just that, "My libido is changing. My desire is less than it used to be." I hear it with men. I hear it with women. What's your take on it? Logan: It's a hard thing to talk about because we get all these media messages everywhere we go of all this sex we're supposed to want all the time. When our actual libido doesn't match we start to feel badly about ourselves. You know for women it could be a couple things; a decrease in testosterone, this kind of depletion of hormones, lifestyle, stress. We don't always have sex like we did at the beginning of a relationship -- relationships evolve. Ian: And that is totally true of men. You know, sex changes over the lifecycle. I think for a lot of men it is frustrating, especially for guys like when they hit their 30s or into their early 40s. They are starting to noticed that their erectile quality is changing, their libido is changing and it has a lot to do with your overall health. You know, you need to eat right, you need to diet well, you need to exercise, you need to manage stress, you need to lay off the cigarettes and lay off the alcohol. All of that affects your sexual health. And then I think a lot of it also has to do with being in a relationship and being in a long-term relationship and needing to maintain some spontaneity. Logan: Which we recognize is really hard to do. It can't always be like it was in the beginning. But we also have to make time for our relationships too. And sometimes getting back in the saddle so to speak can rev up the libido in a different way. You can create that. Ian: Just doing it. Logan: Just do it. Ian: And there really truth in the phrase use it or lose it. You gotta use it. Logan: I think so. And also if you're feeling less than amorous, talk to your partner about it. Because if you're not saying that your upset with it, than someone starts to think they're just not interested in me anymore. Ian: Desire is not just a light switch. You don't just turn it on or off in men or in women. For more sex health tips, check out other videos in this series.More »
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When you get used to the same sex position, it could potentially take the spontaneity out of things. Boosting the excitement in the bedroom may just be a matter of having the right moves. Check out this video for tips on how to spice things up.
Transcript: Logan: Sometimes we get used to the same position and it becomes the only position we can orgasm in....
Logan: Sometimes we get used to the same position and it becomes the only position we can orgasm in. Is this normal? And why do some people only climax in one position over another? Ian: I think it's really normal, especially in a long-term relationship to develop what I would call a 'sex script.' There's nothing wrong, especially if you're enjoying the sex, knowing which positions really work for you. And everybody is different. Some women find that really being on top really provides the most clitoral stimulation. Some couples really just love missionary position. We love to say missionary is you know so simple or so boring, but it is a very exciting position in terms of the intimacy and the eye contact. Logan: And vanilla sex is still sex. I might be the missionary position but it's still sex. We read all these magazines that say, '5,000 new sex positions.' If we're not interested in those or if they don't work for us when we're trying to follow them, we start to feel badly that there is something wrong with us or our relationship. But if it works for you it works for you. Ian: I totally agree. I'm definitely of the mind if it's not broken you don't need to fix it. And if it works' It is also a question of finding the positions that work for you as well. Some men really find' just like as women need positions that provide clitoral stimulation. Like there's also the coital alignment technique called CAT. Where it's really about the base of his penis and pelvis really meeting a woman's clitoris. Instead of a lot of thrusting it is more about that persistent connection and kind of a grinding and a rocking. Some men find that they need a position from like let's say behind -- provides a lot more friction. It's really about finding what works for you. Logan: And not feeling badly if it's the only thing that works for you. For more sex tips like these, check out other videos in this series.More »
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Emotionless sex could possibly be a sign that you're in need of something more in your relationship. Watch this video to find out more about what you can do if you're feeling detached during sex.
Transcript: Logan: I often get questions from women who are saying, 'I'm having sex, I'm sexually active but I'm...
Logan: I often get questions from women who are saying, 'I'm having sex, I'm sexually active but I'm not fulfilled. I'm not really into it. It really isn't doing anything for me emotionally.' Are you hearing this too in your practice? Ian: I do. I wonder if part of it is a function of a hook up culture? I think ultimately in the end, sex can be a very meaningful, intimate act. And if you're hooking up casually, it might be fun, it might even be orgasmic but it might not be emotionally fulfilling. Logan: And psychological issues do come into play here. If you're not really connected to your partner, if you're not really into it, if you're not getting pleasure, if you're just having sex for the sake of having sex, you can kind of tune out. Ian: Yeah, I think that is totally true. I think in the end if you want to have a great sex life, ultimately you need to have the kind of relationship that supports having a great sex life. So if you're disconnected, disengaged, unemotional during sex, I would say that's telling you something about the relationship that you're in and the person that you're having sex with. Logan: And that doesn't mean we need to be in these long-term, monogamous, romantic relationships, but it does mean we have to have the kind of partner that we can talk to enough to talk about the challenges that come up so we can find a way to get past them. Ian: Absolutely. And if you're bored in your sex life, it's possible you're bored in your own life or bored in your relationship. That could be a great signal to introduce some novelty into your relationship. Logan: And that's always a good thing. For more sex tips like these, check out more videos in this series.More »
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Is vibrator addiction a real risk of owning a sex toy? Watch this video to learn what Ian Kerner and Logan Levkoff say on this pleasurable device.
Transcript: Ian: You know, Sex and the City just did so many wonderful things for humanity as we know it. But one...
Ian: You know, Sex and the City just did so many wonderful things for humanity as we know it. But one of the truly great things the show did was to really mainstream the importance of vibrators in a woman's sexuality. But here's the thing, a lot of us guys do secretly wonder can a woman get addicted to her vibrator? Logan: Well, let me make this clear: No. No, a woman cannot get addicted to her vibrator. She can get addicted to the feel-good sensation that she gets from it, but it's not like this chemically dependant kind of addiction. Women and men are built differently and growing up we aren't really told that. We look at sex in terms of like' you know, think of all the images we see of people in movies having sex and everyone is screaming and moaning in orgasm. The fact of the matter is that most women don't experience that. And vibrators aren't sex toys, they're enhancements that are really necessary for a lot of women to have an orgasm. Instead of looking at vibrators as a like a masturbation tool, it should be something that we use and partner in sex too. Ian: Right, exactly. And for a guy a vibrator can really be like a guy's best friend. Like Batman and Robin. Han and Chewy. A guy and his vibe. Logan: And it's not going to be a replacement for your penis. I mean, we're never going to choose an inanimate object over a living, breathing person. Ian: But here's the thing. If a woman is consistently having orgasms with a vibrator and consistently not having orgasms with her partner or inconsistently having orgasms with her partner, it doesn't mean she's addicted to her vibrator. It means she requires a different kind of clitoral stimulation. Logan: Yes, and that's okay. That's not a problem with you or your prowess. It just means women are build differently. And vibrators can do amazing things for the clitoris and for the vulva and all those 8,000 nerve ending that the penis just by nature can't. That is not a bad thing. That just means we need enhancements during sex -- and that's fun. Novelty is fun. Ian: Absolutely. So guys make nice with her vibe. And if you want more tips like this, check out other videos on this site.More »
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Are you second to masturbation? While masturbation may be tons of fun for your partner, you may be feeling unfullfilled or insecure. Check out this video for more information about masturbation and its effects on your sex life.
Transcript: Logan: Masturbation is a completely normal and healthy thing, but if you find that your partner is masturbating,...
Logan: Masturbation is a completely normal and healthy thing, but if you find that your partner is masturbating, sometimes you get a little insecure and uncomfortable. 'Is it something wrong with me and am I not satisfying enough?' Ian: Like you said masturbation is normal. It is a very healthy part of life. But I think that if for some reason your partner is over-masturbating or you feel like your sex life isn't where you want it to be, than maybe it can be a problem. Logan: So if it is a replacement for sex with you than it is a problem. Ian: I think than it is a problem. I do want to say that people in healthy relationships masturbate. There have been some studies that have even shown couples with great sex lives do tend to masturbate more than single people. Because their eroticized, their testosterone levels are up, they're feeling good about their self esteem and about their sexuality. Logan: And masturbation is a really important and healthy part of our sex lives that we often forget about -- that we get to know about our own bodies better. The more we know what gives us pleasure the more that we can translate that to someone else. We have friend who has masturbated every morning in the shower since he was 15 years old. His wife knows and it is not really a big deal. It is just part of a routine and it doesn't mean that your sex life is lacking at all. Ian: And I think it is like you said, it's normal, it's healthy, it's relaxing. Sometimes it can be a problem and in another video, stay tuned in this series, we'll talk about when masturbation can be a problem. But know that it is also really healthy. Logan: And really good for a relationship, too. For more sexual health tips, check out more videos in this series.More »
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Are you second to porn? Porn can be an exciting to get riled up but it could also be a problem in a relationship. Check out this video to find out more about what happens when porn takes over.
Transcript: Ian: This is a question that I get a lot from women and also from guys: Guys telling me, "Hey, I'm masturbating...
Ian: This is a question that I get a lot from women and also from guys: Guys telling me, "Hey, I'm masturbating to porn a lot more than usual. Could this be a problem?" The first thing I want to say is masturbation is healthy and I don't necessarily think that porn is a problem. Guys are extremely visual they respond to visual stimulation. Porn is just part of in some ways having a healthy approach to masturbation. Logan: I'm glad that you say that, Ian. Because I think that both men and women use erotica and pornography in a lot of ways. It does serve a purpose; it turns us on, it can enhance our fantasy life. That being said, you know it does come with some challenges too. Ian: I think the biggest problem is, especially with internet pornography and the easy access and the rapid proliferation of internet porn... Logan: And 24 hour access... Ian: ...And 24 hours. I think a lot of guys use it as a crutch. Some guys use porn to self medicate and deal with anxiety. Sometimes men find it's easier to masturbate than have sex with their partners-- it becomes kind of a form of lazy sex. Logan: So that certainly becomes a problem. Ian: I think if it is detracting from your relationship. I also think that some guys suffer from something that I call "sexual attention deficit disorder." I coined the term, it's not a real medical term. I think that guys with porn get so used to a degree of visual stimulation and a high degree of visual novelty that they sometimes have a hard time focusing on prolonged acts of intimacy. Logan: It's really interesting that you say that. I think we are starting to see kind of the effects of long-term pornography use. But also we have to remember how to use pornography in a safe way, how to involve it in our relationships, how to make it not a supplement or replacement for partners. And also, to recognize that it does not take the place of a real life relationship nor should it teach about how to engage in a relationship with someone else. Ian: And you made a great point which is that one of the nice benefits of porn becoming a little more mainstream is that couples can enjoy it together without the same stigma or taboos. So not and easy question with a simple answer -- can be pleasure, can be a problem. And if you want more videos in this series, just check them out. More information available in this series.More »
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